Around the corner from my house is a beauty salon that does great bikini waxes and naturalistic spray tans but has the ickiest name: Me Time, a phrase that sets my teeth on edge.
“Me time” is something mothers talk about a lot and frankly, we need it, but that phrase and that idea has taken over parents’ free time the way “your big day” has taken over weddings. The wedding industrial complex uses a perfectly natural impulse – to make one’s wedding day a special rite – and bastardizes it into an excuse to overspend on canapes and napkin rings. Now parental downtime has fallen victim to the same thing.
“You need more ‘me time’,” we’re constantly told in ads and magazines. TV advertisements trumpet the benefits of me time. I wouldn’t be so against it except their suggestions aim so low.
Get more “me time” – have a bath with foamy soap
Get more “me time” – drink a premium coffee with 100,000,000 calories
Get more “me time” – go to the bathroom on your own
Now that’s living!
Since when did enjoying perfectly normal adult pursuits such as reading a book, washing yourself or talking on the phone to a friend become specialised activities that you can only do when the kids aren’t around? I fall victim to this thinking myself. I tend to read books at night in bed instead of my preferred time on Sunday afternoons, a perfectly good moment to bring out a book since we’re all lazing around doing this and that anyway.
It’s beneficial for children to see their parents do grown-up activities (within reason) and also to come to terms that mum and dad aren’t available to them every single second to fetch some juice or play Frustration. To be sure, when children are babies, we do need to be at their beck and call, watching out for sharp corners and feeding times. But once they hit a certain age – I’d put it at 4 years, if not before – they can learn that “Mummy is reading her book/doing her nails/in the loo now. She can play in 15 minutes” is part of life.
In those circumstances, they must entertain themselves for short periods, which is something so many of us want to give back to our kids anyway: the opportunity to be bored then discover something on their own.
And while we’re at it, let’s expand our own definition of “me time” beyond activities we do in a few snatched moments at home. Last week I went to Bournemouth for the afternoon with a friend to take a two-hour surfing lesson. We booked reduced fare train tickets, £10 lessons and rode our bikes from the station. We gabbed the two hours there and back. No children wanting help building sandcastles or getting on their bodyboards. Just pure adult fun.
It’s time we embrace real “me time” – and let the phony kind that comes in a box of bath salts drain away.
Image: “Ahhh, a delicious cup of me time.”; Graeme Weatherston / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Very good points Jen. Really enjoyed this post!
Louise Candlish commented on this post via Twitter, saying:
“Hear, hear. All of this ‘I never finish a cup of tea or get to read a newspaper’ stuff applies only to the baby/toddler stage.”
@CTav responded via Twitter with this comment:
“I have read most of my recent books sitting on the carpet outside my son’s room so he stays in bed. Does that count as me-time?”
Have to disagree with Louise and shatter a few illusions. Now that I feel I can safely have a wee without the small chld coming to harm, the teens seem to think that shouting two floors down when I’m in there is an acceptable form of communication! It never ends. (and they keep shouting even when you ignore them.)
I don’t get this “not being able to go to the loo alone” thing. Sure my 2yo has been/is as clingy as they come. But even I manage a private pee!
Too true. I’m currently enjoying ‘The Idle Parent’ about kicking back, and actually letting kids explore, have some freedom and, shock horror, time alone without adult direction all the time. It’s rather refreshing
Louise – I’ve just written a blog about the
half, cold cup of tea in the toddler years! How sad my aim is to have a whole, hot one one day!
One of the most difficult challenges I faced when I became a parent is being on call 24/7. Remembering who you are as a person, as a partner, is more important than a bubble bath or peeing alone. Having said that, a bubble bath is actually rather nice!
For all I know we are right to think that our own offenses should seem so much less heinous than the offenses of others.they are part of us and we must accept the good and bad in ourselves together.
@Expat Mum – I love the whole shouting as a form of talking thing. I can remember when I did it and was so confused my mother found it offensive. “But it’s just us in the house!” I would say, usually from another room. Now, I finally get it.
@babieswhobrunch – the closed bathroom door is a revelation!
@Sandy – you are so right about remembering who we are as people. That’s what “me time” is ultimately supposed to be about. I guess the trick is to incorporate that feeling of “yourself-ness” in your entire life.
Okay, I’m taking notes. My first baby is due in less than three months and I had resigned myself to no sleep, no writing and no reading for at least 6 months after… should I be revising that expectation to four years? 😉
Hi Jennifer, love the new blog. I think you are spot on. The fashion for giving your kids every ounce of your attention in their waking hours has never sat well with me. Kids learn from their parents and that includes the ability to take time out for a cup of coffee and a grown up conversation whilst they entertain themselves.
You can surf? Totally impressed.
I could not agree more – children do need to know that we cannot be there for them every single minute of the day. My daughter often sees me relaxing with the papers at the weekend or reading a book for 15 minutes. I think it’s good for her to see me unwinding – it teaches her to do the same – and it’s encouraged her to read. So win- win!
@Amy – don’t worry! it’s up to you to decide how you want to structure life with baby. And for the record, I started getting a good night’s sleep again at 6 months.
@ModernDilemma – I agree about conversation especially. one of the thrills for me as a kid was to be included on an interesting grown-up conversation.
@ModernMother – of course I can surf. Wait…define “surf”. Get on board, stand up = yes. Look cool while doing it = no.
@RosieScribble – The reading thing is huge. It lets kids know that reading is important (or what we learned in my school, “RIF” – Reading is Fundamental).
My most favorite hand made gift i ever gave was an album for my
husband about us. The second most favorite was a mini album for
my parents anniversary which was made into a fairy tale-like
story about their life together.
Your timing is perfect. I’ve been seriously considering a solid blog re-vamp and this is just what I need! Thanks for sharing:)
Your timing is perfect. I’ve been seriously considering a solid blog re-vamp and this is just what I need! Thanks for sharing:)
In the context of this post, my envy was related to a sense that I’m not making the best, fullest use of my talents, a feeling that’s heightened during the Summer, when I’m doing less coaching.
So true, maybe I’ll try surfing…
And also, sometimes real ‘me time’ is actually with your children – it’s anything away from the laptop, ipad and iphone!