Knowing how involved to get with the ups and downs of your child's social life can be tricky. If they're fighting with a best friend or are suddenly outside a group they were formerly in, should you get involved, give advice, talk to other parents and teachers, or just let them use it as a learning experience, even if it's a painful one?
Sarah from School Gate (Times subscription required) has been wrestling with these questions. Here's her story. Do you have any advice for her?
Over to Sarah:
My children think I know stuff; after all, I'm their mother. But (don't tell them this, even though it's true), quite often I have no clue. I have lots of questions, but don't know all the answers.
My son is five and a gorgeous boy, fun, out-going and very sociable. He started school last year and loved it, making lots of friends and quickly learning to read and write. But there was one problem and, now the children are back at school, I have a feeling it might rear its head again. But to be honest, I'm simply not sure how to deal with it.
There are 30 children in my son's class and I'm pleased to say that they seem to be a lovely bunch. However (and you knew that was coming), there is one boy who is not exactly the child I would have chosen my son to befriend.
This child is clever, good-looking and charismatic. He has lots of good ideas and is very creative. So far so good. However, he is also manipulative (yes, you can be manipulative at five) and is always, always, always in charge of my son and his little group of friends (there are about five of them).
I noticed this for a while and did nothing about it. True, I wasn't thrilled when my son told me that this child (let's call him Tom) was "always the leader, unless he goes to the toilet and then one of us can be leader until he comes back". And I also didn't jump and down with pleasure when I was told that the child in question didn't want my son to come to his birthday party and then proceeded to change his mind so many times ("you are invited, no you're not, yes you are" etc etc) over the next few weeks that my son eventually told me he didn't want to go at all. He also didn't come to my son's party, but that's par for the course. Tom doesn't do other children's parties very well (I've put this down to him not being centre of attention on another child's special day).
These are only a few examples, and they probably sound minor to you, but they were part of a pattern over a whole academic year. I suggested that my son should try and play with some of the other kids and he said he did. But then he came home and told me that Tom and friends were "spying" on him and his new friends, which he found really hurtful. He also told me that a couple of the boys had hurt him physically.
I really didn't know what to do. You might expect me to say this, but my son appeared to be the last child to have issues with others (at his nursery I was told that "everyone" liked him, which was great). He is not a real leader type, but also not simply a follower and he told me, a little sadly, that the other children "did whatever Tom asked" (perhaps I should mention that their parents are also concerned about Tom and his influence on the boys). However, my son added that he didn't always do whatever Tom wanted. I guessed this might be part of the problem.
I asked the head of my son's old nursery for advice and she started talking about bullying. She added that all this needed to be nipped in the bud as soon as possible before my son became a "victim". Unsurprisingly, I felt nervous.
I didn't talk to Tom's mother as I wasn't sure what to say. Should I have talked to her? I know her pretty well and she is bubbly and friendly. However, she thinks that her charismatic, bright child is wonderful – don't we all – and gives him absolute freedom to do whatever he wants at home. We have rather different parenting styles and I actually didn't think it would do any good to raise this with her.
Instead I talked to the teacher – something I have never done before. What a disappointment. She denied there was any problem and instead told me what lovely boys Tom and my son were!
So, what now? My son (and all his friends) have just started the new school year and yesterday, at pick-up, Tom and my son were chatting and playing. Is this good or bad? I have asked my son not to play with him all the time, but he told me that he likes the other children in that group. It seems unreasonable to tell him to abandon them all.
Should I just leave it? Should kids be kids and left to sort things out themselves? Is this bullying? And what can you do if your child becomes friendly with a child you don't really like? I don't know all the answers, but I'm sure other mums can help.
Do you have any advice for Sarah? I know I could use it too.
While I agree that any bullying should be nipped in the bud, and parents should make a noise if the school doesn’t deal with it, I would see how things develop at this point. Little kids change a lot in a very short space of time. One minute they’re not friends and the next they’re cool with each other and even best friends.
Perhaps Tom has matured a little and is learning a little give and take. If Sarah’s son genuinely likes him, it would be a shame to break up the friendship, but if she sees the same behaviour starting, intervention of some sort if necessary.
I’m assuming this is a new teacher, and since it’s happening at school, that’s the best place to start.
It is heart-breaking to see your child being walked all over, but you’d be surprised at how they learn to stand up for themselves eventually.
How absolutely bizarre to call this bullying! These are the normal ups and downs of five-year-old friendships. I think you should allow your son to figure out whether this kid is really someone he wants to be friends with. My son has a similar friendship. He likes a particular whose only interest in my son seems to be playing with his DS (he lives in a no video game house) or bargaining to obtain the biscuits, crisps or sandwiches my son brings to school (this kid brings things like carrot sticks and all organic tofu sandwiches).
I let my son take the lead, but I do offer him advice. I usually just ask him questions to help him think it all through for himself. Ultimately it’s turned out to be both a lesson in standing up for himself but also in compassion.
Kind of a bummer to see my son taken advantage of but nice to see him figuring things out as he goes along.
How about asking the teacher if she could keep an eye on him at playtime over the next week or so and let you know how he’s getting on? I’m always happy to do this and mention it to the other teachers, too, in the staff room. Something like: “Mum’s worried so and so is being bullied on the playground. When you’re on duty, would you let me know if you see anything?”
As for speaking about it with the head of his old nursery, what exactly were you speaking about? She might know your son, but unless she’s teaching at the school there’s not that much she can contribute, surely?
It also sounds like he’s getting a lot of attention from you by discussing this situation at school – is it possible he’s found a way to spend more time with you?
I think you need to give your son the confidence to stand up to Tom and to say when he is not being nice (either to your son or to other children) because it is the right thing to do. Adults don’t behave like because they know that their behaviour will be challenged and that they are not being reasonable. This is something children need to learn and if other children see your son standing up to Tom they will get more confident to do the same and they will like your son for doing it. Unless your son is hurt physically it doesn’t sound like the teacher will be much use, though you could also complain to the headteacher if you feel the issue is not being dealt with. Don’t talk to Tom’s Mum, it won’t solve the problem and you don’t want to start a mummy rift…
Have to say that whenever either of my boys have any problems with school friends (which luckily isn’t often) I go on the offensive and invite the other child home to play asap. That gives me the chance to a) see for myself what is going on (they might be little angels for the first 15 minutes but after that tend to revert to type) and b) make my own comments about what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour in ‘our’ house. I’m not saying that I sit on top of them whilst they’re playing, I get on with stuff, but I keep a weather eye on them and discuss with them anything that seems untoward.
An example of this is one charming little chap who was determined to ‘trade’ my oldest son’s toys even when my son didn’t want to. I explained that wasn’t how trading worked; that it had to be acceptable to both sides, and just because he wanted something didn’t automatically mean (because he was the guest, which meant in his mind he do whatever the hell he wanted) that he could have it. Of course that wasn’t the end of it; I then heard him, 10 minutes later, telling my son that he wanted to talk to him about something but that he didn’t want my son’s mum (me) to hear. No way, jose. I turned around, pointed out that in this house we didn’t have secrets and the moment I heard someone saying I wasn’t supposed to hear a secret, I wanted to know what it was. And that, by the way, our household position on trading hadn’t changed…
Yes, it may mean they then don’t want to come back (and wouldn’t THAT be a hardship, although it’s not happened yet), but it also means that behaviour their own parents might be perfectly used to and just let pass is drawn to their attention as not being something the rest of the world thinks is OK.
Funnily enough, I’ve never had any parents comment afterwards (and the kids have always come back for more…)
I would have done the same and talked to the teacher. Maybe you could ask her to keep an eye on it and have another meeting in a few weeks time. She is the best placed to see what is really going on.
I have found through experience that what kids tell you happens at school (he spied on me, I have no friends, whatever) is sometime a reflection of 5 minutes during a day rather than the whole time. My five-year-old last year had me convinced she had no friend at all, and I was preparing to talk to the teacher, and then we went to a birthday party and she was engulfed into a group of 6 or 7 girls who were obviously thrilled to see her.
I wouldn’t talk to the mother yet. That will open a huge can of worms, which will never go away, as you are stuck with this woman for years. The kids will have long forgotten their fights and she will still see you as the crazy woman who didn’t like her son.
I think there is a fine line between bullying and just not being nice to someone when it comes to how children think about their friendships/their peers. I have seen lots of children who think they are being bullied but aren’t once we start talking about their ‘friendships’. I would see how things go thie next few weeks. I would also still encourage him to play with the other boys and arrange playdates with them. I also think you did the right thing telling the teacher then at least she is aware of the situation. Don’t fret too much. Children seem to move between friends quickly and love each other one minute then fall out the next.
Make him feel loved, talk to him about school and continue helping him with his self-esteem.
What great advice from everyone here! I can use these with my daughter, who has an up-and-down friendship with someone in her class. It seems like every few days they are falling out then making up.